You know when a song comes on and the lyrics resonate deep within you? Sometime the song in its entirety seems to reflect something you are going through, and other times it might just be a line. I had heard Camila Cabello's "Something's Gotta Give" several times before it struck me differently. I had some friends going through relationship issues that just really made my heart ache for them. I was also personally going through a hard time with my relationship when this song made me change my perspective. This song is also what gave me the idea to write this post. The chorus in particular is what really pulled on my heart strings:
Something's gotta give, something's gotta break. But all I do is give, and all you do is take. Something's gotta change, but I know that it won't. No reason to stay is a good reason to go.
According to inc.com's article "35 Signs You're in a Toxic Relationship", a toxic relationship is characterized by exhaustion, lack of trust, a hostile atmosphere, imbalance, constant judgement, narcissism, negative energy, disrespect, control, criticism, the diminution of self-worth and many other symptoms that make the person feel empty in a relationship. Even though these signs are present, it's not everyone who will realize that their partners behaviour is unhealthy. Sometimes, a person will acknowledge the toxic behaviour but will let it continue, for many reasons.
Walking away from any relationship, for any reason, can be extremely difficult. There are times when we need to let go of our partners, even if we still love and care for them. Letting go of a toxic relationship can be easy or hard, depending on the person we are with and also who we are as a person. In my case, I wanted to give my partner the benefit of the doubt. Things were really great initially. He was kind, funny, attentive, and then red flags started popping up. He started treating me more like a friend. And not like a female friend... like one of his "bro's". He started making jokes at my expense, thinking he was hilarious when meanwhile I was feeling hurt by his words. He wasn't attentive anymore and didn't seem excited to see me at all. I tried addressing the issues a few times, and things would maybe get better for the rest of that day, but he would quickly fall back into the same pattern. I found myself complaining about him to my friends and coworkers, which was very unlike me. I didn't really realize how unhappy I was, until one of my coworkers said to me: "Sweetie, you tell me more bad things than good things about this guy. You don't seem happy with him". Hearing this was hard, because all I wanted to do is give him the benefit of the doubt and I hoped that things would change. I knew she was right though. When another co-worker also told me I needed to dump him, I knew I had no choice. Everyone could clearly see how toxic things were in that moment except for me. It took some reflection, but I finally realized I had to let him go. As much as I hoped that things would change, I knew that they probably wouldn't. I knew that it wasn't worth hanging around just to see if things would MAYBE change down the road. Remember, your friends have your best interest at heart (at least the real ones do). If they are telling you that your relationship is toxic, it might be because they see things differently from the outside. It's hard to hear it, but most of the time, they are right!
Always remember that a toxic partner is not normal. It's not normal for them to put you down, to control your life, to belittle you and to disrespect you. Just because you've been in that situation before and it is happening again, it doesn't mean that this is something that should be expected out of every relationship. A healthy relationship is characterized by trust, compromise, two-way communication, support, laughter, honesty and independence. When we find ourselves in a cycle of toxic relationships, it's easy to start to think that this is just how things are, or that all relationships will be like this. In order to find a healthy relationship, we must first let go of the one we are holding on to, and trust that things will get better. We need to set higher standards for ourselves, and never put up with anything but what we deserve. Which of course, is nothing but the very best.
It breaks my heart to hear my friends say things like "Maybe I deserve this kind of treatment" or "I guess this is how things will always be for me". Just because you feel stuck in a cycle, it doesn't mean that you deserve it and that it will always be this way. Everyone deserves to be in a healthy relationship that makes them happy. If you keep getting this nagging feeling that maybe things just aren't right, trust your gut. Remember that you are worthy of so much more. Letting go is hard, but the feeling of being freed of that toxicity is worth it. Never settle, believing that this is all there is. There is so much more out there and the first step to finding it is leaving that toxic relationship behind.
You've had a talk, you've given them a chance, and another, and another, and yet nothing has changed. I realized it was time to let go when I wasn't even excited to see him anymore. Actually, I kind of dreaded it. I've learned that this isn't a sign of "getting comfortable in a relationship", it's a sign of unhappiness and being with a toxic person. Never be afraid of letting someone go and being alone, because I promise, there is so much better out there. No reason to stay is a good reason to go.
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