You know that gut-wrenching feeling of a relationship ending? Whether you saw it coming or not, more often than not, a breakup feels like absolute crap. I caught myself thinking about past relationships and how those breakups made me feel, and it gave me the idea for this blog post. Sometimes, I think back on certain guys that I dated for a brief period and ask myself why I wasted so much time on that person. There have been a few that didn't necessarily make me the happiest all the time and that I knew deep down weren't going to be around forever. I sometimes kick myself in the foot a little bit for wasting that time and grieving the loss of them. But at the same time, I also remind myself of the reasons why things didn't workout and what it gave me in the end, which is precisely what this blog post is about.
I think what made me start to look back on these past relationships was a conversation I was having with a friend. Her ex-boyfriend had reached out to her (man why do they always do that…) saying he had changed and wanted to meet up. She was so unsure about if this is what she wanted to do. She was looking back on the relationship and on the good times, but also remembering the horrible things he had said to her. I got her thinking about how he had treated her, and if she believed she deserved better than that (which of course, she does!). I told her that sometimes, people talk out of your life for a reason. It can take time to come to terms with those reasons and to even realize what those reasons were, but eventually, we accept it. This discussion made me look back on when I was in those situations and she was basically telling me the same things. She would tell me that these things happened for a reason, and that there is so much better for me out there. As cliché as it is to say that, I truly do believe that everything happens for a reason and eventually we will learn why they do.
When someone breaks up with you, there is almost always that initial feeling of shock. Sometimes we see it coming, but even still, it hurts just as much. I can recall moments where as soon as they would leave, I would start to cry. My chest would ache and feel tight, and it would almost feel hollow. The initial reaction is to ask yourself "why?", "what did I do wrong?", "am I not good enough?" and "will I ever be good enough for anyone?". In a way, you almost feel betrayed, because you put all this time, love, energy and trust into someone, just to have them turn around and stomp on your heart. What's funny is that in these moments, I have always felt so crushed. There's an initial sadness where I'll usually text a couple friends and more often than not, call my mom. Yes, I am 23, but I still call my mom when I am heartbroken. She listens without judgement and reminds me that there will be someone who will treat me better. Once the initial shock has gone away, I usually feel significantly better. I might be sad for a couple days, but I historically I've bounced back pretty fast. Next thing I know, I am looking back asking myself why I was so upset.
I can't be the only one who has looked back on a relationship and questioned myself… "What was I thinking?", "Why was I so upset?", "Why did I put up with that?" are all questions that end up going through my mind. What they say about love is true… love is blinding. I think it takes time for us to fully realize it, but we almost always realize why these guys were never good for us in the first place. During a relationship, we might think the other person is perfect, but after we start to pick out all these flaws. We realize that yeah, the way he snapped at you for no reason when he was stressed out was totally uncalled for. We realize that after all, we couldn't picture ourselves living with them five years from now. Realizing these things is liberating in a way, because we don't hold onto the "What if it would have worked out?". Which leads me into my next train of thought.
I've also started thinking about all the times I was let down by someone I never actually dated. Maybe we chatted online for a couple of weeks and never met up, maybe we went out once or twice and there was never another date… Either way, sometimes when these things happen, we can be disappointed. The same friend with the ex crawling back had gone on a date with a guy recently, and things didn't go any further. She initially really liked him and he was completely different than the other guys she had dated. After this first date, she gushed to me about how great it went. This seemingly great guy ghosted and never texted her back. She was pretty upset about it. She asked herself why he would do that and if anyone would ever like her. I shut that negative thinking right down and reminded her of something that I really want every girl to remember. I reminded her that any guy who doesn't have the heart to be upfront about their feelings or lack thereof, isn't worth dwelling on. A guy who can't even say "Hey, sorry but I'm not interested" obviously isn't the guy you'd want to be with, because that cowardice says a lot about their personality and the kind of person they would be in a relationship. I think that when these things happen, we should all thank them in a way, because they showed their true colours from the start and saved you a lot of heartache.
Selena Gomez recently came out with a song that really spoke to me. "Lose You to Love Me" goes over losing yourself in a relationship, ignoring the signs, and how losing and hating someone helped her find herself when she was on her own. I think many of us can relate to this song in many ways. It's not uncommon to start losing ourselves in relationships, especially when we are younger. In the pre-chorus, she says "We'd always go into it blindly. I needed to lose you to find me. This dancing was killing me softly. I needed to hate you to love me." Some relationships slowly burn out what makes us who we are as individuals, and sometimes we don't realize it until we've lost that other person. By hanging on to them, we aren't holding them accountable to the harm they did to us. Sometimes, it takes a bit of hating them to work on yourself and remembering who you were before them. I've looked back and realized I didn't totally like the person I was when I was with certain people. By losing them and finding myself again, I've returned to who I really want to me and love myself that much more for it.
I know not everyone agrees with this, but I tend to believe that it's important to love and respect ourselves to be able to love someone else. I definitely agree that we can be in good relationships even if we don't like certain parts of ourselves. That being said, I think that loving ourselves means respecting ourselves. Self-respect is important in a relationship because you tend to only accept what you deserve when you fully respect yourself. I think that by loving who we are, we can give that best version of ourselves to someone else, knowing that we can be good for them.
All of those past relationships shaped me to be who I am today, and now allows me to give the best version of myself to the one I love and know I want to be with. I don't think we should hang on to those past relationships and hold those bad ones as the standard. Hun, be with the guy who writes you love letters when you need a bit of extra love and are feeling down. be with the guy who makes you laugh through your tears, turning the sad tears into happy ones instead. Be with the one who says he is there for you and proves it. Don't settle for anything less. Don't let the guys who broke your heart hold onto the pieces for too long. A guy who doesn't realize your worth is doing you a favour, because he is letting you meet the person who will love you for who you are. I know that sounds super corny, but hey, it's true! It's okay to look on past relationships, as long as we come out of it with an ounce of gratitude that it didn't work out and that it's probably for the best.
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