As women, I feel that we sometimes keep our head down and don't speak up for ourselves when we don't agree with something that is happening or don't like how someone is treating us. I think this is really sad. I have a friend who had been dealing with her ex's BS on and off for quite some time. They had broken up in the summer, but he kept coming back like that annoying zit on your forehead that just won't go away. To said friend, yes, I just compared him to a zit… I'm not sorry about it. Anyways. Deep down, she still loved him and really wanted to find a way to make it work. Despite this desire to make things work, he just wasn't meeting him half way.
Disclaimer: I had gotten this article a while back and things have since developed, which is why I am now writing in past-tense.
She was beginning to become very discouraged. Was this guy worth waiting around for? Was he ever going to clue in that if things would work like he wanted, he would have to put a little bit of an effort in on his part? She was getting sick of waiting around. She wanted to set this guy straight and tell him that she deserved better. However, she was afraid of being perceived as mean. She wondered if he would take things the wrong way and twist her words and turn her into the bad guy (as he had previously done when she would stand up for herself). This is what I told her:
You can't let a fear of how someone else will understand something stop you for standing up for YOU.
You need to put yourself first sometimes.
You can stand up for yourself and be assertive, without being "MEAN".
She wanted to text him so bad and tell him off. Something I pointed out was that calling someone out over text can go one of three ways: 1. Come across as cold and mean when you weren't trying to be, because we all interpret things differently with written words. 2. Come across as too soft when you were trying to be assertive or 3. Create a big back and forth text fight. I told her she needed to meet up with him in person and address her feelings and have an open discussion about what was going to have to happen if this rekindled romance was going to work. Getting together face to face, or even over the phone at the very least, makes things ten times smoother. Maybe not easier, but will avoid a lot of conflict.
Something else I told her was that standing up for yourself is essential, because by keeping your mouth shut, things are unlikely to change on their own. If you don't tell someone you don't like how they are treating you, of course they will keep pushing you around, taking advantage of your kindness and doing as they please. If the person on the plane behind you is kicking your seat without realizing and you don't say anything, how likely are they to just stop? Not very. Sometimes, they don't even realize how their actions are making you feel or aren't acceptable. Maybe they've always treated others this way because this is what they were taught or exposed to growing up. Maybe no one else has ever told them "Hey pal, the way you treat me is really shitty."
We cannot let someone walk all over us. There's a verse I particularly like in Taylor Swift's song "The Man". This song is about how men can do the same thing as women, but when a man does something it's okay and he's in charge, but when a woman does it she gets knocked down and labelled as emotional or a "bitch". The verse goes like this:
"If I was out flashin' my dollas
I'd be a bitch, not a baller
They'd paint me out to be bad
So it's okay that I'm mad"
Now, this isn't necessarily about standing up for yourself, but I think we can draw lessons from it. Say you changed the first line to "If I stood up for myself". It still works doesn't it? It's easy for anyone, men or women, to be labelled a "bitch" or "mean" when they stand up for themselves. This feels so wrong to me. How can anyone get treated fairly if we don't just call things out for what they are: unfair treatment. At some point, we all need to say enough is enough. If we wanted to be treated right, we all need to speak up. This can apply to a relationship, friendship, and even work. If your partner isn't treating you well, start by saying something. If nothing changes, maybe it's time to move on. If a friend is taking advantage of you, speak up. If they still take advantage of you, maybe they aren't that great of a friend. If your boss or a colleague isn't treating you right, talk to HR or to that person. If nothing changes, maybe it's time to find another job.
Ladies (and gentlemen), never be afraid of putting your foot down out of fear of being labelled as mean. We cannot let others push us around. Healthy relationships do not come from keeping our mouth shut. They come from open communication and hard work. Never, ever, let someone walk all over you.
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