To my best friend. I know you're reading this on the day it is published because you've always been my biggest fan. Get yourself a box of tissues my dear. (She's kind of sap, okay?)
According to the Mental Health Commission of Canada, an estimated 1.2 million children and youth in Canada are affected by mental illness. In fact, by age 25, approximately 20 percent of Canadians will have developed a mental illness. Even still, less than 20 percent will receive the appropriate treatment. For the visual ones out there, imagine gathering four of your friends. 20 percent of Canadians under 25 is like one of you in that group of friends is living with a mental illness. I think many, if not most of us know someone who is affected by a mental illness. In my case, my best friend since the ninth grade is that 1 in 5.
My best friend has been living with mental illness since around the age of 12 years old. She didn't have what I would call an easy childhood and it left her incredibly scarred. I met her in the ninth grade and we clicked right away. She had this great smile and I could tell she was such a sweet person as soon as we got to talking. She confided in me, sharing her battle with mental illness. At 14 years old, I knew about depression, but I didn't exactly know what it looked like. I've learned a lot over the last 9 years and have learned what it means to be friends, best friends, with someone living with a mental illness.
She missed a lot of school. There were times where she'd maybe miss a day, and other times where she would be gone for a week. I eventually found out that she wouldn't be able to make it out of bed or had to be hospitalized because her own safety was in jeopardy. It was hard to know what to say. I had never been through what she was living through, so I had no idea what the right thing was to say. Honestly, I don't think there really is a RIGHT thing to say. All I could really do is listen and try to bring some sort of positivity into her life.
Seeing someone you care so much about struggling is so difficult. You feel totally helpless. You wish there was something you could do to just take their pain away. What was even more difficult than seeing my best friend struggle was when she wouldn't let me in. I could see she was having a hard time, but she wouldn't always open up to me. There was a period where she was hiding a lot from me and got herself down a dark path. She never mentioned what she was dealing with... Was she ashamed maybe? Afraid of being judged? Afraid of letting me down? All of the above?
It's heartbreaking to hear your best friend say they don't want to live and have given up. Hearing that is like getting a blow to the stomach. It knocks the wind out of you and leaves you speechless. How do you react? What do you do? What do you say? I would remind her of the many good things she had in her life, despite the bad things. I would ask her to seek help and giver herself a chance to find her way out of the darkness. I've been doing this for nine years. And I'll keep doing it as long as she needs me to. It just kills me that after all of these years, the mental health system in Ontario isn't good enough to help her move forward.
My friend has so many horror stories from her hospitals stays. The stuff that doctors and nurses tell her absolutely blow my mind. There is an incredible lack of support in the health system for those living with a mental illness. It's actually infuriating. You'd think that mental health professionals would be compassionate and resourceful... Well you'd be wrong. The judging that goes on within the walls of the hospital my friend has stayed in is unbelievable. Of course, this judgement doesn't help her. In addition to the poor health care, the general disability support is tough as well. My friend received money from the provincial government every month since her mental health illness makes working and keeping a job extremely difficult. This funding covers her rent and bills... but what about everything else? She is an adult, which means that therapy isn't covered anymore. For those who don't know... therapy sessions anywhere from $50 to $240 for a one-hour session (source). Therapy is what she needs to help get back on track to living a stable life and maybe even being able to help, but of course she can't access that. It's all just a vicious circle and it frustrated me to see it. I wish I could lift the weight off her shoulders and make her better, but there's only so much we can do as friends.
What I want my best friend to know is that she is so much more than her mental illness. She is one of the most genuinely kind and giving people that I know. She has this bright, child-like spirit that makes anything fun. She is funny in the most slam-my-head-into-a-brick-wall kind of way and I love that. She wants the best for absolutely everyone, even if they don't deserve her time. She is constantly thanking me for not leaving her side after everything she has put me through. I honestly wished she didn't. I don't think she understands that sticking by her isn't a decision I had to make. It wasn't even a choice. It wasn't even a question. I will always support her no matter what, because at the end of the day, she is still my best friend and even with all of those demons clouding her brain, she is still this ray of sunshine. Her mental illness doesn't define her. And I hope she knows that. She is just so much more. I know she doesn't always see it, and that's why I will always remind her. I don't have a doubt in my mind that she has a bright future ahead of her. She just needs to keep working hard on herself in order to get there. It won't be easy, but I know I will be there to support her with every step along the way.
In this post I've talked about my personal experience with having a friend with a mental illness. I actually have a few friends who are living with mental health issues, and I think they all know how much I love and support them. I'm sure that you probably can think of someone in your life who is fighting their own battle as well. It's easy to feel helpless and drained, but I want to remind you that you don't have to carry that weight on your shoulders. It isn't up to you to "fix" your friend. As a friend, your job is to be there, listen and offer support when they need it. It's all you can really do. Don't give up on them. Don't let them push you away. The isolation is a symptom of depression and doesn't mean that they don't want you in their life. If I had let my best friend push me away all those years ago, I wouldn't be writing this post today.
Mental health is still so stigmatized. I think that there has been more discussion in the last few years, but it's not enough. Let's not be afraid to talk about it. How can you help? How can you do your part? I do my part by being supportive to my friends who need me and will also be participating in the "Run for Women" on June 15th. The funds raised in this race are going towards the Women's Mental Health Program at The Royal, which is a mental health care centre in Ottawa. This program is a community-based outreach approach to women's shelters and hospital programs. Education and training are provided to ensure that women who experience mental illness receive the best possible care. Taking part in these kinds of initiatives is a small act as one person, but when thousands rally together, we can really make a difference and show our support to the people in our lives.
To my "Biffle", I love you so much. Being your friend is something I hold near and dear to my heart. Never ever forget that.
Thank you for reading! I know this was a different post than my previous content. I just truly believe that we need to have these discussions. Make sure you are subscribed to receive alerts when new posts come out, every Monday morning!